Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
