you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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