the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I understand Curling. That high.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
