Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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