I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
