I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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