So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
