the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Let's paint friendship bongs
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize