I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
