I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
