New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
