I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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