the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize