I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
