I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
