Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
