when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
