Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
