i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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