i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
