see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
did you just send me my own nude
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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