Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i drank out of a bidet.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We're too hungover to prance.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
