I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
