put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
