I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
