the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
