T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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