I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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