if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
