I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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