how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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