How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
