and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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