had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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