I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
