i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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