I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The convent might be a nice break from real life
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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