She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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