Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
