apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
