Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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