Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
sarcasm needs its own font
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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