Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
