my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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