Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
