Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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