Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
