that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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