Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Randomize
