just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
