Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
