so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
