I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
