not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
