I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
