i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
