eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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