she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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