did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
